Strategic Maneuvers
by Sir Fluffbutt von Grumpypants
Summary: WARNING! Navigation's down! Crash landing process activated!- The plan was to contact the Resisty and get out of here, not to fight the human's battle but when he crashes on Earth that's just what Lard Nar finds himself doing  Lard Nar/Dib
1. Prolog

_AN: I was asked to upload some of my older stuff on here - please note this story is unfinished and currently on hiatus._**  
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**Prolog:**

The little escape pod shook underneath him and Lard Nar clenched his hands into tighter fists, claw tips biting into the flesh of his palm. They'd been so close! A chance to destroy the Massive and he'd failed, losing one of the few remaining Vort ships in the process. The whole thing filled him with such terrible, terrible rage and since no one was around to see, Lard Nar decided to indulge himself. Pointy legs lashed out dramatically in the close space of the escape pod, arms flailed as he rolled back and forth in his chair making inarticulate sounds of rage.

One lashing leg slammed down into the small ships control base and the Vortian howled, pulling the smarting limb back and curling around it protectively. Brilliant, just brilliant, everything it seemed, was against him today.

"**WARNING! WARNING!"** The harsh metallic screeching brought Lard Nar out of his sulk and he uncurled quickly, throwing himself towards the control panel. Smoke was leaking out of the sides of the small control panel, a row of lights dully flashing red and with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he noticed the dent his lashing leg had made... right above the ships main computer storage.

"**WARNING!"** The smoke was quickly filling the pods small space and Lard Nar was thrown forward across the now sparking control panel as the ship lurched. Frantically he stabbed at buttons and controls as the little pod shuddered and jerked. Smoke filled his vision, the metallic screeching of the automated warning system drilled at his head as he was thrown back and forth.

"**WARNING! Navigation systems have received damage! Crash landing process activated! WARNING!"** The voice screeched moments before the escape pod shuddered again and then surged forwards, heading at full speed for the blue planet that had just claimed the Resisty's ship. Lard Nar howled in response, hands scrabbling over the control panel, trying desperately to gain manual control of the pod. The planet in the view screen getting large and larger as the seconds ticked away. Claw tipped fingers stabbed down on a button too hard and it cracked under his strength, his throat burned from the smoke. With a sharp cracking sound the top of the control panel snapped and threw up sparks from the bared machinery within.

Lard Nar stumbled back, a soft distressed sound breaking from him as fear grabbed at him. The planet loomed, giant in the view screen. With a sickening feeling the Vortian realized there was nothing to be done, he was probably going to die for one moments immature rage. The pod was boiling now, flames licking around the edges of the view screen as they crashed through the planets atmosphere. Desperately he scrambled to the back of the small pod, pulling himself into the built in chair unit and pulling the crash netting around himself tightly. Curled up tightly as small as he could make himself, he stared out at the planets surface rising up to meet his escape pod so fast. Too fast.

A scream broke from him as the ground loomed in the view screen and he pressed himself tighter against the chair and netting, bracing for impact. The pod slammed into the ground, crashing and tumbling over itself as the small Vortian huddled inside it. Pain lanced through his body, blood dripping across the screen of his goggles and with a sickening crack he felt his arm break. The escape pod gave one last long shudder, smoke and flames billowing before everything went, mercifully, black.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One:**

Not really expecting to survive the crash, the first thing Lard Nar felt when he regained consciousness was surprise. The second was agonizing pain. It hit him hard like a fist to the chest, every part of him ached in some way, though his head and right arm were the worst. The Vortian let out a soft whimper of pain, the sound worryingly loud to his ears. Forcing his eyes open he managed a brief glimpse of some sort of lab before the pain drove him back into unconsciousness.

He came to the second time to something wet and painfully rough being dragged across the skin of his face, it jerked back at his cry of pain. Behind his closed eyes the view darkened and once again he forced his eyes open, focusing blearily on the figure hunched over his prone form. It's head was huge, a black scythe rose from the top of it and ached back over. Large, round and slightly reflective eyes stared down at him and Lard Nar squirmed unhappily at the almost maniacal grin it wore.

"Oh good! You're awake!" The aliens voice was irritatingly chipper and the Vortian hissed in discomfort when it moved away, leaving the bright light directly above him to burn into his still sore eyes. "I wasn't really sure you were going to make it, I haven't really had many chances to examine any aliens so I wasn't really sure what to do to make you stable. Still! It seems to have worked! Boy I can't wait until I can show you to everyone! Let's see them ignore the existence of aliens with you in front of them!" The alien grinned at him, reaching out to pat at Lard Nar's chest almost possessively. With a start that sent a brand new wash of pain through him, the Vortian realized he was unclothed. Instinctively he tried to move away from the hand touching him and was greeted by another wash of pain, and the sickening realization that he couldn't move. Desperately he craned his head up to look down at the thick metal bands holding him down.

"Get your filthy alien hands off me!" His voice was rough and broken and the outburst made Lard Nar shudder from the pain it caused. The alien frowned down at him, though its hand was lifted off his chest.

"Hey, that's no way to talk to the person who saved you. I could have died hauling your ungrateful ass out of that burning ship! Not to mention the hours I've spent trying to keep you alive." It stood with hand on its hip, head tilted to the side. Lard Nar snarled in response, eyes narrowing.

"Grateful! I should be grateful? At what? You tying me naked to a metal table?" The anger took the edge off his pain and the Vortian stove to keep it going. The alien frowned back at him, arms dropping to its sides and it had the decency to look uncomfortable.

"Well no, but that's for your own good! I didn't want you to hurt yourself any more!"

"And to make sure I didn't escape I expect!"

"Well... only a little." He barely managed to catch the aliens mumbled reply. Already the anger he clung to so stubbornly was waning, Lard Nar was just too exhausted. With a soft sigh he let his head fall back to the table beneath him, eyes clamping shut at the bright light above them. Silence stretched, and he could hear the alien shuffling next to his table.

"What are you?" Lard Nar asked softly, all the fight gone out of him. The alien hummed softly in response and moved the light slightly to the side before responding.

"Oh, I'm a human."

"A Hoo-man?" The word felt weird and the Vortian frowned slightly.

"No, hu-man."

"Hoo-?"

"Hu! Human!" Annoyance was creeping into the alien's voice and Lard Nar felt a quick flash of fear at being unable to defend himself.

"Hoo?" He tried again.

"No! Human! With a 'U'!" The alien was almost shouting now, and he frowned harder, confused.

"What's a 'U'?"

"...Never mind." And with that the building anger in the hoo-man's voice was gone, and it was grinning at him instead. "Could be worse I guess, you could be calling me 'Stink Beast'." Since it seemed amused Lard Nar tried giving it a small, forced smile in return. Silence stretched out between them again awkwardly.

"Well I guess now you know what I am, I should introduce myself. I'm Dib." The Hoo-man paused, obviously waiting for something so Lard Nar gave a small nod. When this didn't change anything he cleared his throat.

"I am Lard Nar of the Resisty. I-"

"Wait... the 'Resisty'?" Dib cut him off and the Vortian snapped his mouth closed, grinding sharp teeth together in annoyance. Not this again!

"What of it?" He snapped. The Hoo-man grinned back at him.

"It's not really a name to strike fear into the blackest of hearts is it?"

"Oh and I bet you could do better then?" Embarrassment bit at him, damn it, why had he agreed to such a ridiculous name? Even back-water aliens were making fun of them now!

"Well yeah, I probably could." Came the reply. Lard Nar ground his teeth harder, looking away from the still grinning Dib.

"...shut up."

Surprisingly the Hoo-man did just that, wandering away from the table and into the gloom of the lab. Lard Nar took the moment to re-assess his injuries, wincing at what he saw. His right arm was definitely broken, half of it stretching off in a weird angle and from the agony that was his head he was pretty sure he'd damage there as well. Burns covered a good portion of his body, but his Vortian superior healing had already started mending them. Still, these were all wounds he would survive and would probably heal fast enough. His arm needed to be reset though and the Vortian was trying to work out how to ask the Hoo-man for help when Dib wandered back to the table.

"Look, I'm not an expert on your species anatomy, but it's pretty obvious your arm's broken. I didn't want to try resetting it while you were still unconscious. If you tell me what to do maybe I can fix it?" Dib's voice was cool and professional, and it only took a moment for Lard Nar to make up his mind before nodding.

"Yes, if it's not fixed it will heal badly. I can tell you what to do... but I don't know if I'll be able to stay conscious through the process." He wasn't happy exposing a weakness to the Hoo-man, to his relief the alien just nodded moving closer again.

"Tell me what to do then."

The pain was insane, and Lard Nar clung to consciousness desperately, growling out instructions from behind clenched teeth. He screamed when he felt his arm click back into place, more from relief then pain and had a moment to catch Dib's relieved look before the blackness swallowed him again.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:**

Dib shifted impatiently behind his desk, pencil-tip beating out a erratic one-two against the top as he stared, fixated, at the classrooms clock. He couldn't believe his Dad had insisted he go to class – didn't he understand? He had a honest to god alien in his lab, surely the things humanity could learn from it was worth missing a day or two of skool. His impatience ate away at the pit of his belly and Dib was practically vibrating out of his seat with the force of it.

He couldn't even find the enthusiasm to cry out when Zim pretty much blew his cover once again and no one even blinked an eye. Why bother? He didn't need some silly Irken! He'd a real live... well, he'd a real live... something... waiting for him in his lab!

Although speaking of the devil, Zim was giving him an odd look, the alien had obviously done something he expected a response to. Dib shot the small Irken a dark look automatically and then turned his attention back to clock – not much longer!

By the time the final bell finished ringing, Dib was already out of the classroom door, just short of running for the skool doors. The sooner he got home the longer he could spend properly examining his find. With that thought in mind he started the walk home, barely resisting the urge to run the whole way there. Hopefully Lard Nar would be awake again when he got back and Dib could ask him what he was – he was still a bit embarrassed that he'd forgotten to ask last time the alien was awake. Then what? The alien seemed to be healing extremely fast, maybe he'd try and work out what caused it? Or just a general examination, he still didn't quite believe the delicate spikes that seemed to be the aliens legs could actually hold his weight.

His mind focused elsewhere, the sudden kick to his back took him by complete surprise and Dib tumbled forward, pavement biting at knees and palms. With a groan he rolled himself over, cursing.

"Dib-stink! How dare you ignore the mighty ZIM!" The Irken glared down at him, moving forward to place a boot on Dib's chest. Dib snarled in response, knocking Zim's foot away and rolling to his feet.

"What the hell Zim! What is your problem?"

"What are you planning stink-beast!" Zim surged forward again, small claw like fingers poking at Dibs chest. "You've been ignoring Zim all day, you're obviously up to something! What is it! Huh! Huh?" The human huffed in annoyance, batting away Zim's hand.

"Jeez, maybe I'm just not worried about your latest stupid plan to, oh I don't know; build a giant fan to blow out the sun or something just as mor-" He was cut off by Zim's sudden screech and jerked forward as the alien grabbed his shirt.

"How do you know Zim's mighty plan stupid worm-baby?" The Irken's face was dark with rage and Dib blinked in shock.

"Wait, that's actually your plan? Wow Zim, even for you that's retarded." He pulled Zim's hands away from his shirt, rolling his eyes at the still trembling Irken. "Frankly I've more important things to be doing then watching you make a fool out of yourself. Have fun Zim." And promptly turned on his heel and walked away from the still shocked alien. He could hear Zim's screech of rage from two streets down.

Dib was still smirking by the time he made it home, and he wasted no time before darting down into the lab. The alien was still strapped to the table where he'd left him and apparently still asleep. Dib sighed slightly and then moved towards the alien anyway, oh well it's not like he couldn't start his examinations without knowing what Lard Nar's species was called. Absentmindedly he paused by the side of the table, looking with curious eyes at the alien. It's head was huge, it's surprisingly thin neck attached to slim shoulders, it's chest was thin, flaring into large hips. It's arms and legs were whipcord thin, but as Dib had noticed while setting the aliens arm, incredibly tough. The legs in particular caught at his curiosity, digitigrade in appearance they ended in a pointed tip and hardly looked possible to walk on. They were also surprisingly cute and Dib couldn't help but reach out and run a finger across the nearest one. A hiss from behind him made him jump and the human twisted round to catch the now awake aliens eyes. He grinned.

"W-what are you doing?" Tiny bead eyes blinked sluggishly at him and Dib's grin widened slightly, he moved until he was level with the alien's head and poked curiously at one curving horn. It gave slightly under his touch and felt a little bit like rubber. Lard Nar shuddered slightly and moved his head away from the touch.

"I'd say I'm sorry I woke you... but I'm not really. I've been waiting to do this all day. I meant to ask you last time, but I still don't know what you are." As he spoke Dib grabbed the flexible light near the table, dragging it close to the alien's head and then leaning in to examine where horns joined with flesh. He ran a gentle finger over one and grinned as the little alien shuddered again.

"Don't do that!" Lard Nar hissed and the horn under Dib's finger twitched away.

"They're obviously quite flexible, sensitive too?" He grabbed the tip of the closest horn as he spoke, tugging on it and watching with intense interest as the horn stretched from its usual curved position.

"... Yes." Came the slightly breathless response, the alien seemed a little agitated, squirming against the straps holding it down.

"It doesn't hurt though?" Not that he was terribly concerned or anything.

"N-no, not hurt. It's just, weird. No one ever touches-" it stuttered to a stop as Dib gave the horn a gentle twist, curving it up in the opposite direction it usually sat. "D-don't do that. Please stop, you-" a soft whine broke its sentence off and Dib grinned, running another finger down the horn. Despite it's flexibility the horns surface was tough under his examination, the tip sharply pointed.

"Lets make a deal, you tell me what you are and I'll stop what I'm doing. How about that?" He gave the horn a slight tweak to emphasize his point.

"Y-yes! I'm- I'm Vortian! Now please st-"

"What's a Vortian do?"

"Mostly, we invent stuff. Science, comfy couches, ships. Stuff like that!" Lard Nar squirmed unhappily and Dib let the horn go, watching it re-curl back into its original position before moving around to start the process again on the other horn.

"So how'd you end up crashing on Earth?" This time he watched the Vortian's reactions, rather then the horn itself, noting the soft flush across the aliens cheeks.

"I told you- I'm the leader of the Resisty. W-we were attacking the Irken Massive. Something took control of their ship and we followed." Lard Nar gasped at a particularly hard pinch, whining lowly. "T-they destroyed our ship and my crew and I were forced to flee. My- my escape pod malfunctioned and I c-crashed! Please!" The Vortian's voice was thick with tears and Dib hummed, letting the horn go and stepping back from the table. Lard Nar was shaking fairly hard now, knees drawn up as far as possible in the restraints, eyes screwed shut.

Curiously Dib stepped forward, by the aliens own words touching his horns didn't hurt him but it was obvious the little alien was distressed in some way. To his surprise he felt a little bit guilty at that. He placed a hand on the gray skin over the Vortian's chest, noting the slightly rough texture of it, absentmindedly he trailed his hand down lower, moving to examine the thin, pin like legs again. Lard Nar's breath hitched noisily and Dib glanced up, looking at the strained look on the aliens face. The leg under his hand hitched up again and the human glanced back at it, fingers trailing up along the slim limb.

"Dib Hoo-man, please stop touching me." Lard Nar's voice was strained and very soft and Dib looked back at him confused. The alien's face was flushed with blood, gray skin darkened and he was panting heavily, glimpse of sharp pointed teeth and a serpentine tongue.

"Why? I need to examine you, better this way than cutting you up surely?" Not that he'd ruled that out just yet. The Vortian trembled slightly at his words, glaring back at him.

"B-because you're... you're making things happen." Dib froze at the words, eyes snapping down to where his hand rested just above the alien's hip, dazed he moved to push the Vortian's drawn up knees down and almost whimpering himself when he saw they'd been hiding. It wasn't unlike the tongue he'd glanced at earlier, a slightly irregular conical shape of flesh, flushed an obscene pink that slid out of a slight slit between the aliens legs that he never noticed before. Dibs face was burning and he stumbled back from the table with his own soft whine, turning to leave. He got two steps to the labs door before his conscience prickled at him and he darted back, pressing the codes to undo the straps binding down the Vortian's good arm before fleeing.

Dib darted through the living room and into his bedroom upstairs, slamming the door behind him. In the dark of his room he pressed his back against the wall, still flushed and panting from the run and shock, his heart hammered against his chest, hands pressed tight against his belly. He could still hear the aliens soft whimpers in his ears and, hating himself, he forced one hand down his belly and into the fabric of his pants.

He was achingly hard, and it didn't take long with the flashes of gray skin running through his head until he was coming. Knees giving out from the strength of it and barely biting back the desperate moan. As he sat, pressed against the cold of his wall in the dark, shuddering with after-shocks of his pleasure Dib felt hopelessly lost.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter three:**

Dib spent the night sleeplessly, his mind rolling over the evenings events constantly. The shock of his actions had worn off after the first couple of hours, and now he was more annoyed at himself then anything else. Some observational scientist he was, to not even notice the reactions his touch was producing in the small alien before it was pointed out to him. Annoyed, he kicked out at his pillow, sending it flying across his room. He stared at where it lay for a while, before getting up with a sigh to fetch it again. It wasn't like Dib didn't know how sex worked, well the mechanics of it anyway. Growing up with Professor Membrane for a dad the stork story was pretty much heresy, so from the moment he'd been curious enough to wonder where babies came from Dib had knowledge of the intimate act of reproduction. A fact that had got him into more then enough trouble with numerous teachers over the years, turns out when the kindergarten teacher asked if anyone knew where babies came from, a detailed description of the time Mr. Penis meet Ms. Vagina was not the story they were looking for.

So no, the mechanics of sex wasn't something that Dib was vague about, but the process was one thing, the act of it? Completely another. Curiosity getting the better of him again Dib rolled out of his bed, settling down in front of his computer and pulling up the lab's security tapes. The footage was a bit grainier than he was happy with, he really did need to fix the resolution on the damn things already, but they were well positioned and he was already zoomed in on the Vortian's table. Lard Nar seemed to be asleep again, and Dib felt his stomach tightening again with suppressed emotion, it had taken him a good couple of hours before he could work up the courage to check on the alien, almost afraid at what he'd see. Dimly in the back of his mind, he realized that the computer would have stored the past couple of days of footage as programmed and almost absentmindedly his hand moved to pull up the relevant folder. After all, if he observed the... examination again without the distraction of his own touch maybe he'd be better set to notice what he'd missed before.

It didn't take too much searching to find the footage in question, and his breath quickened slightly as he set it to play. The sound was totally messed up (he really did need to upgrade his systems), so after a couple of seconds he muted it, staring dry mouthed at the screen. Without the actual presence of the Vortian to distract him, it was easy to note the tell-tale signs of the small aliens arousal. It was actually a bit galling to realize just how obvious they had been, it made him feel a little bit foolish to be honest. Heat was pooling in the pit of his belly as he watched and Dib growled softly, stoutly ignoring it. This was scientific observation damn it, he wasn't going to let his emotions get the better of him again. The little him on screen was moving down the alien's body, hand trailing in a almost proprietary way, and Dib blushed a little. He shifted uncomfortably when his screen double finally noticed the alien's arousal, blushing harder as the little figure freaked out. With only slightly shaking hands he paused the playback when his video double rushed off screen, staring almost dazedly at the computer.

Would it hurt to keep watching? Sure it was technically an invasion of the slight privacy he'd offered the Vortian, but then again wasn't he meant to be learning all he could about the alien? Granted when he'd thought about what he could learn from his subject, it hadn't exactly involved sexual acts... but now he had the chance could he really miss out on it? Dib felt torn in two, half of him nervous about what he'd see the other shivering with the anticipation of it. Groaning softly he pulled himself from the computer chair, moving the few feet to his bed and flopping down on it dramatically. Indecision rolled through his head, the slight curl of arousal still nibbling at the base of his belly and Dib rolled over again, staring blankly up at his ceiling. He lay there for a while, feeling time trickle past, the tapes footage playing over and over in his mind, for a moment the remembered whimper of Lard Nar's voice joined the images in his head and Dib shuddered hard.

Almost instantly he was on his feet again, scrambling to the computer desk and hitting the play button with enough force to actually hurt. His eyes were glued to the footage almost instantly. The slightly grainy alien on the screen twisted its body to stare at the labs door, his own screen-image had just fled through. It's free arm moved timidly, stretching out briefly before settling on the aliens belly. Dry mouthed, Dib lent closer to the screen, heart bounding and breath sounding loud in the semi-dark of his room. Slightly clawed fingers ran down the Vortian's belly, and Dib whimpered out loud as the same fingers curled around the hardness jutting from between the aliens legs. His own erection was painfully hard and Dib couldn't help but shift in his seat, eyes still glued to the screen, fingers tugging open his fly and reaching in to pull his cock free. Oddly he found his eyes drawn more to Lard Nar's face and the look of pleasure on it, than the hand rapidly moving across his hardness. Absentmindedly Dib licked the flesh of his palm, sighing as he wrapped his fingers around himself, almost catching the Vortian's on-screen rhythm as he stroked. On screen, Lard Nar's head was tilted back, mouth open to show tiny teeth and tongue tip, back arched as much as the restraints and the alien's still remaining injuries would allow, hips thrusting up into his hand obscenely. Dib's body felt like it was on fire, the heat in his belly tightening faster then he was used to. Eyes still fixed on the screen, he shifted his grip on his cock, moving so his nails scratched lightly across the tender skin on each stroke, imagining the Vortian's clawed fingers were wrapped around him instead. He watched the Vortian shudder suddenly, the harsh snap of the alien's hips into the air and then realized with a start that the alien was coming, something almost clear and viscous dribbling from the tip of it's erection and Dib had a moment to curse the state of his cameras, wanting to know more before his own orgasm ripped from him and all thoughts fled his head.

He came back to himself, legs cramping from his odd position just in time to watch Lard Nar lift his free hand to his mouth, serpentine tongue darting out to clean the spending from it. Dib whimpered loudly, glancing down at the mess his own hand was and carefully not thinking about what he was doing, brought his own hand up to lick curiously at his cum. The salty taste made him gag slightly and he whipped the rest off on his t shirt disdainfully, he couldn't help but wonder at what the aliens would taste like though. Wearily he cut the playback and stumbled back to his bed, sleep grabbing him instantly.

* * *

><p>His alarm clock work him far too soon, and Dib groaned, pulling himself out of bed and making his way dully to skool. He half dozed through his classes, what time he was awake spent working out a battle plan in his head. He still needed to examine the Vortian, it was after all his duty to humanity... but Dib found himself oddly against the idea of sharing his prize with anyone else. The alien was his damn it! It was slightly terrifying but the alien made him want things he'd never really been bothered with before, and it was all he could do not to start replaying the nights images in his head in the middle of class. Part of him was nervous at the thought of even seeing the alien again, the other half wanted to desperately to find an excuse to just explore the little Vortian's body. The memory of Lard Nar's face as he came floated into his mind and Dib shuddered, dropping his head to his desk with a groan. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Zim giving him an odd look and decided to pointedly ignore the Irken, he really didn't need another alien complication in his life right now.<p>

He was poking listlessly at his tray of food in the cafeteria when it occurred to him that Lard Nar hadn't eaten anything in the days since he'd rescued the alien from his burning ship. Guilt twisted in his belly and Dib hissed – the Vortian was probably starving... if he even needed to eat that was. For a brief moment he clung to that thought before dismissing it as silly. Dib would have to see about feeding the alien when he got home. Which brought about the question of what he was going to feed him. If Zim's reaction to most earth food was anything to go on, it wasn't like Dib could just grab anything and expect it to be ok. Appetite well and truly lost, Dib poked listlessly at his food, apprehension stewing in the pit of his stomach. The rest of the skool day was a haze of mixed fear and almost-excitement and too soon Dib was trudging back to his house and the alien waiting for him.

A quick stop in the kitchen, to throw a little of everything he could think of onto a tray and he started back to his lab. After keying in the security codes, he pushed the lab door open wearily, half expecting the Vortian to be waiting for him, it had been a stupid move to free the aliens arm, but he couldn't quite bring himself to regret it. A quick glance into the dimly lit lab told him Lard Nar was still where he'd left him, unmoving. Cautiously Dib made his quiet way over to the examination table, pausing briefly to fight down his nerves, the sight of the alien was making his stomach churn oddly. He was almost about to turn tail and leave when the Vortian's head turned towards him, bright eyes blinking at him.

Dib flushed slightly, remembering the hooded look on the alien's face the night before then moved forward almost automatically, his fingertips brushing at the slightly rough skin of Lard Nar's chest before he could stop himself. The alien made a soft sound at his touch and Dib shivered slightly, crossing his arms over his chest tightly and leaning a hip against the cool metal table.

"Did you want something Hoo-man?" The Vortian was staring at him unfathomably and Dib shivered again, mind throwing out ideas of just exactly what he wanted at him, and he had to bite his lip in response.

"Y-yeah. I mean..." He flushed harder, jogging back the few steps to where he'd left the tray of food, setting it down near the examination table. "You haven't eaten anything since I found you. So I figure, if you eat, you must be hungry by now, but I don't know what to feed you. Zim doesn't react too well to earth food and... I'm sort of at a loss." Frantically the human thrust his hands into his pockets, fighting the slight urge to touch the Vortian again, ghost sensations teasing at the back of his mind.

"Zim?" Lard Nar frowned at him and Dib shuffled unhappily, that probably hadn't been the best thing to say, it wasn't like he had more then the alien's word that he wasn't working with the Irken anyway.

"Zim's another alien on earth. He goes to my skool. He's um, he's Irken?" As he spoke, Dib watched the Vortian's face, a little surprised at the look of pure hatred that crossed it. Lard Nar hissed out something under his breath and fixed the human with a suspicious look.

"Irken. And what's your relationship to the Invader scum?" The Vortian's voice had gone dark, a sibilant hiss to his words and Dib eyed him wearily.

"Basically? I go around fucking up his plans." He muttered darkly, "And vice versa." Silence met his words, and he had the distinct feeling he was being scrutinized. Then the Vortian was sighing softly, an odd look on his face. Silence stretched between them and Dib shifted from one foot to the other before it became too much and he had to break the silence.

"Like I said, I'm not really sure what you eat, so I brought you a little of everything we have in the house, I figure you can have a look at it to start with?" As he spoke he moved towards the controls for the alien's restraints "If, if I remove your restraints so you can eat are we going to have any problems?" His voice was dark, making him sound a lot more tough than he really felt and the Vortian looked at him slowly before grimacing.

"I'm a scientist, not a soldier. My people aren't exactly good at the whole fighting thing and I'm already hurt. Somehow I don't think trying to fight you would be in my best interests." The response was almost sullen, but Dib ginned slightly. Keying in the release codes and moving back to the Vortian to help him sit up. Watching Lard Nar hiss slightly at the movement it occurred to him that the little alien wasn't as fully healed as Dib had thought he was.

He moved the tray of food closer to the Vortian, watching as he picked through the offered food snuffing at a few things, cautiously nibbling at others. Most of the food seemed to reach the little aliens' approval though Dib noted that he avoided any dairy based products. Cheese in particular seemed to make Lard Nar feel sick at the smell of it. The human frowned slightly, now it came to it he didn't quite want to strap the Vortian back down again, but he could hardly leave the alien free. He couldn't risk Lard Nar getting free, he wasn't in any rush to present the alien to the world any more, but he didn't want anyone else getting his alien either! Which left him with a problem. He watched Lard Nar sniff curiously at a sausage before the alien grinned, all sharp teeth, before biting into it with an audible snap. The aliens glee poked at a memory and Dib smiled slightly, leaving the Vortian to pick and choose from the food as he headed off into the lab's storage area. The item he was looking for was buried deep in one of the many boxes of rejected inventions but he found it soon enough.

Quickly, excited by the prospect of having a plan, he darted back to the alien's side, smiling briefly at Lard Nar's confused look before he snapped the simple metal collar around the Vortian's neck. It hung loose, but not enough to be removable. The Vortian's good hand snapped up to grab at it, eyes widening slightly and serrated teeth bearing slightly in annoyance.

"What is this!"

"It's a collar dad invented back when we had a puppy, it kept getting out of the house and going missing, so he made this. It's locked to the house you see, you can try leaving, but it just won't let you leave the houses energy field unless I tell it to." Dib grinned, pleased with himself, amused by the affronted look on the Vortian's face.

"I'm not some disobedient pet!" Lard Nar was hissing now, flexible horns pressed flat against the curve of his head, small eyes narrowed and fists clenched. Dib tilted his head slightly, blatantly ignoring the little voice in the back of his mind pointing out how cute the alien looked right now.

"No, you're not. But you are my proof, and I'm not going to let you wonder off." His slight unease around the Vortian was drowned out by his own glee and arrogance and Dib shifted closer to the alien, fingers reaching out to stroke down the slightly quivering tip of a horn. The soft gasp the touch brought about made him grin and he repeated the movement. "And this way I don't need to keep you strapped down all the time? That's gotta be better right?"

Lard Nar glared sullenly at him and then nodded once, shuddering when the movement tugged on his still gripped horn. Dib smiled slightly at him, then stepped back.

"I've a few things to do, you eat what you want and then I'll be back to check on you later ok?" He couldn't resist letting his fingers ghost down the curve of the alien's hip once more before he left. He'd errands to run.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

Zim was sulking. While the Irken would never admit to indulging in such a emotion, it was hard to deny the truth of it. Slumped apathetically on his bases couch, he grumbled softly to himself. Beside him GIR giggled wildly to himself, fixated on what ever mindless human-stink show he was watching. Zim grumbled louder in response, shooting GIR annoyed glances. When no reaction was forthcoming from the little robot the Irken huffed and slumped further down in his seat.

He was frustrated, he'd had his latest plan ready to go for the past couple of days. A good plan too – although in Zim's opinion, all his plans were great ones. It was however a brilliantly simple plan that couldn't fail and he'd already had the boxes of matches in his base. The three chickens and the paddling pool of gravy had been slightly harder to get a hold of. The plan was foolproof, Zim had even taken the time to work in a series of increasingly elaborate side plans that would deal with the Dib-stink once and for all should he stick his freakishly giant head into the picture. It was perfect. That was however, if he could ever get the damn human to pay attention. At all. To Zim's increasing annoyance, Dib had hardly noticed the Irken in the past couple of days, ignoring the hints he'd dropped about his greatest plan yet. It was infuriating! How dare the pitiful human ignore Zim! How could his great domination of the human race start if the stupid stink-beast wouldn't take the damn bait?

Zim snarled and lashed out to knock the still maniacally laughing GIR from the couch, before letting out a slightly pained whimper and cradling his now smarting fist to his chest. From the floor by his feet the little robot stared up and him morosely, large blue eyes looking impossibly moist. Zim snarled at him again and glared when GIR patted his knee understandingly in response.

"There, there, Master!" Before Zim could react to this announcement, GIR sprung up – grinning madly – from the floor and wrapped arms and legs around the Invader in a body crushing hug. Zim howled in response, twisting and turning under the robots hold before giving in with a sigh and slumping back on the couch, robot limpet and all.

"Get off me GIR." He grumbled through clenched teeth.

"Nu-uh!"

"I said get off!" Still clinging to him GIR turned his head up to look at Zim.

"Say the maaagic word!" It's grin was demented, metal tongue poking out the side of his mouth. Zim paused, blinking down at the little robot and wondering, not for the first time, just what the Tallest were thinking when they'd given him GIR.

"...No." He grumbled. GIR stared up at his response, eyes dimming for a moment before brightening again as he grinned wider still. The hug tightened momentarily and then GIR jumped away from him.

"Ok! Imma get some tacos!" The robot disappeared into the kitchen and Zim relaxed slightly just before it's head popped around the door frame again. "You want some?" Zim shuddered in response and GIR grinned, disappearing once again. From the kitchen Zim could hear bangs and ominous squeaking and after a moments hesitation, decided he couldn't be bothered to worry about it.

The Irken sat on the couch staring at the droning TV for a moment before shaking himself. No, enough of this! He was the mighty ZIM and he waited on no one! If the human-beast wouldn't pay attention to him, why then he'd just have to make the Dib do so. A grin twisted his lips and the Invader sprung up, head titled back to laugh maniacally. GIR joined him a moment later, the robots squeaky laughter joining his. Still laughing, Zim rushed to the bases door. Oh yes, his plan would be GLORIOUS.

* * *

><p>Lard Nar shifted unhappily, fingers moving to play with the collar round his neck again, an odd mixture of anger and shame nibbled at the pit of his belly and the Vortian grumbled softly to himself. Collared, like a disobedient pet. Grumpily he picked at the remains of the food the hoo-man had brought him, it wasn't bad, a bit more bland than anything Lard Nar was used to but he wasn't rolling around on the floor puking up his guts, so he considered it a success. However without the pangs of hunger to distract him, he couldn't help but worry over his current situation. Granted he was no longer strapped down to the table, which was a good deal better then it had been... absentmindedly he reached up to tug on the large metal collar again. Lard Nar sighed, and dropped his hand back to his lap again, picking at the cloth bandage wrapped around his upper leg. Now that he was actually free to move around the lab, he found himself oddly reluctant to leave the safety of his table.<p>

It took him a little while to get a hold of himself before the Vortian slid, timidly, off the examination table. To his relief his injured leg held up well under his weight with nothing more than slight pain. The lab was fairly dark, only a few of the lights in the room actually on and Lard Nar was surprised to realize that the room that had seemed so big to him while tied down wasn't actually that large. Counter tops and shelving ran along most of the walls, piled with collected junk. Curiously the Vortian moved over to the closest one, digging through the items piled on top of it. Most of it was unfamiliar to him, obviously hoo-man in design. The odd piece looked more familiar to him and he realized with a moment of surprise that they were Irken, or in a couple of cases fusions of the two styles.

An idea tickled in the back of his mind and Lard Nar grinned slightly, picking up one of the more alien looking items and after a moment of fumbling managed to pull the black plastic cover off of it and expose the intricate wiring and metal work inside. He hummed happily, the hoo-mans were obviously still quite primitive in their scientific knowledge, but it was nothing a true Vortian scientist couldn't work with. If he could find everything he needed in the lab, he could probably pull together something capable of contacting the Resisty. The idea filled him with purpose, and still smiling contentedly to himself Lard Nar wandered about the small lab, picking up bits and pieces of abandoned technology every now and then. The far corner of the lab was taken up with a large cloth covered bulk and the Vortian couldn't resist his curiosity. Grasping the rough cloth with his good arm he tugged on it, letting out a startled sound as it slid off to reveal the hulking shape underneath it.

He stumbled back a bit, knees suddenly gone weak and with a slightly distressed sound Lard Nar sat down on the floor sharply. Gazing quietly at the burnt out wreck of his escape pod in front of him. Practically none of the ship was left, the metalwork of its body twisted from the heat of entering the planets atmosphere unprotected and the subsequent crash landing. What was left was blackened and Lard Nar had to swallow back the panic raising in his chest. He'd known that the crash should have killed him. Would have killed him if the Dib hoo-man hadn't saved him, but seeing the proof of how close he'd come to his last moment was shocking. Distantly he realized he was shaking from the power of it, fear tightening in his chest. Cautiously he climbed to his feet again, moving slowly closer to the burnt out pod. He didn't really want to be any closer but the scientist in him was whispering about how much easier building a transmitter would be with the proper technology, and the escape pod would have almost everything he'd need. That was if any of it had survived the crash.

He got close enough to place a hand on the cracked view screen before his fear got the better of him and the Vortian stumbled away from the ship again. His earlier enthusiasm fled, he slowly made his way back to the examination table, suddenly finding himself desperate for the hoo-man's company. Unwelcome touches and confusion included.

As if summoned by Lard Nar's thoughts, the door to the lab creaked open and the Dib's head peeked through. A small smile twisted the hoo-man's lips as he noticed the Vortian and then he was pushing through the doorway and making his way to the examination table, a large bag clutched to his chest.

Lard Nar jumped slightly as the bag was dropped to the table next to him and then Dib was frowning slightly at him.

"Are you ok? You look a bit... I don't know, odd?" The hoo-man moved closer as he spoke, a hand coming up touch the Vortian's cheek. "You're not feeling sick are you? Maybe earth food wasn't a good idea." Dib's voice was worried and Lard Nar had to smile slightly at that, shaking his head in response to the others worrying.

"I'm just a bit worn out hoo-man. That's all." His voice was still a little shaky even to his ears, but Dib's presence was, to his chagrin, making him feel better already. The hoo-man gave him a suspicious look for a moment and then shrugged. The boy's hand had dropped to rest on the table next to Lard Nar's hip and the little Vortian shivered slightly at just how close the other was to him. What was with the alien and touching him? Were all of his race this touchy-feely? Almost instantly Dib stepped back and for a wild moment he had to wonder if hoo-mans could read minds, it wouldn't be the first race he'd come across that could do that. The boy seemed more interested in digging into the bag he'd brought with him however and he emerged grinning and then passed a pile of cloth to the Vortian.

"I figured you'd probably had enough of being naked, but your clothes were pretty much destroyed in the crash. Er, they're just some of my old clothes that should hopefully fit you." As Dib spoke, the Vortian unfolded the first item, a slightly worn blue shirt with some vicious looking green creature printed on it and what he assumed was hoo-man text. The cloth was soft under his fingertips and he smiled slightly, fiddling with the shirt a moment while he tried to work out how to get it on. Noticing his confusion Dib moved closer again, taking the shirt from his hands and rolling the cloth up and then pulling it down over Lard Nar's head. The Vortian hissed in surprise, shuddering as the soft cloth rubbed over his horns. The hoo-man took his time smoothing the shirts fabric down and Lard Nar squirmed slightly, finally breaking the contact by hopping down off the table and turning to examine the second item. They were black pants made from a rough canvas fabric and far too long. He frowned slightly and glanced up at the still hovering hoo-man, his frown deepening at the boys grin.

"These aren't going to fit me." He grumbled, pouting slightly at the others amusement. Dib laughed gently and moved closer again.

"They probably will be a bit big, but I figured they'd be good for hiding your legs. If you want to leave the lab, we really need to disguise you at least a little bit. Zim's already proved its stupidly easy to fool this planet but I'd rather be on the safe side." The hoo-man reached out as he spoke, trailing a finger over one of Lard Nar's horns again and it was all the little Vortian could do not to push into that teasing touch. Desperately he jerked back, hips hitting into the metal of the examination table. Smiling shakily at the slightly shocked look on the Dib's face he held out the pants in explanation, and then after a few false starts pulled them on. The hoo-man was right, they did hide his legs fairly well, even if the loose cloth falling around them was uncomfortable. Dib was giving him an odd look and he squirmed slightly at it, horn still tingling slightly from the boys touches. Which brought about a question.

"What about my horns? Aren't they going to be noticed?" He shifted back to sitting on the table as he spoke, the wound in his leg was throbbing slightly. The hoo-man tilted his head in repose, giving the Vortian a slow look he couldn't decipher.

"We might have to find you a wig or something, but I don't own anything like that. I'll try and get you one tomorrow after skool I guess." Dib moved back to the bag on the table and dug around in it a bit more before grinning and pulling out Lard Nar's goggles. He passed them to the Vortian with a small smile. "Here, these survived the crash pretty much intact, I figured you'd probably like them back." The Vortian grinned in response, slipping the goggles on and sighing slightly in response as his world returned to its pleasant green tint once again. With it, he felt his confidence rising again, he was Lard Nar of the Resisty and he would not be cowed by some backwater alien.

Which would be a lot easier if the small smile the hoo-man was giving him didn't make his stomach tingle in quite the way it did. He glanced away briefly, trying to quell the slight urge to press himself against the alien. He'd not been so affected by his hormones since he'd hit adult-hood at it was fairly disconcerting to feel such emotions for an alien, a male one even! Glancing round the lab, he noticed the burnt out escape pod and felt a cool commitment settle over him.

"Dib hoo-man." He twisted slightly too look at the pile of items he'd made earlier, carefully avoiding the boys gaze. "You need to let me leave. I need to contact the Resisty and return to our fight. The Irkens aren't going to defeat themselves. Surely you can understand? You fight them yourself." He glanced back at the hoo-man as he finished, breath catching at the look on the alien's face. Anger and possessiveness and wrapped up around indecision, Dib shook his head violently.

"You can't. I... I still need to examine you." Suddenly the hoo-man was crowding against him, eyes narrowed and Lard Nar gasped slightly. "You can't leave yet. Maybe your Resisty needs you, but I do too. You have to help me with Zim, I can stop his plans but I can't move against him. Not on my own." Dib's voice had gone low, almost sinister. Hands grabbed his hips, working under the fabric of the shirt and pushing up to stroke fragile skin.

"I have to go." Lard Nar hissed softly in response, eyes wide behind the glass of his goggles. Dib pressed closer still, forehead almost resting against the Vortians.

"Stay. Help me fight him."

"But-"

"No. Help me defeat Zim... and once he's gone you can..." The hoo-man's voice drifted off, his hot breath puffing over the Vortian's lips and Lard Nar shuddered in response, eyes clenching shut as he nodded hard.

"Ok. Ok, I'll help." He growled out from between clenched teeth, heat and slight arousal nipping at his stomach. The hoo-man hummed happily, still pressed close and waited patiently until the Vortian opened his eyes again.

"Promise?" Dib smiled slow and content and Lard Nar had to bite back the slight want to punch the boy. He wasn't dumb enough to think he'd win that fight, he really wasn't kidding when he said Vortians made far better scientists then they did fighters. Reluctantly he nodded in response to the question, and when the hoo-man was obviously waiting for more he sighed.

"I promise hoo-man. Now let me up." Dib grinned in response and after a moment of hesitation moved back slightly, his hands giving Lard Nar's hips one more gentle squeeze before moving back completely.

Fighting down the squirming in his stomach Lard Nar tugged on the hem of his shirt, glancing down at the printed image on it curiously.

"What is this anyway? The green thing?" He asked softly, not trusting his voice to not shake if he spoke louder.

"Oh, it's a dinosaur, they used to live on Earth but they're all extinct now."

"What happened?"

"Hm, don't know really. Humans weren't around at the time."

"But... you still put them on your clothes?"

"Well, they're pretty cool you know?" Dib shrugged softly, dismissing the question and Lard Nar let it go, he wasn't actually that curious to be honest but the distraction had given him time to calm down a little bit. He'd still try and pull together the necessary pieces to make a transmitter to contact the Resisty with, but that would be easier without the hoo-man breathing down his neck constantly... and it didn't hurt to help the boy with his Invader problem while he was at it. Still the sooner they made a plan, the better.

"So, this plan? It'd help if you could tell me about the Irken." He crossed his arms over his chest, being careful not to knock his broken one. His body was still healing annoyingly slow from all the abuse it had taken. Dib grinned happily at him and nodded enthusiastically, reaching out to grab hold of Lard Nar's good arm and pull him forward. The Vortian hissed in surprise, horns pressing flat. "What are you doing?" The hoo-man paused.

"Oh, it's easier for me to show you, my computers in my room though. Come on, Dad's not home and Gaz isn't going to care either way so there's nothing to be worried about!" That said the hoo-man was pulling him towards the labs door again and Lard Nar found himself pulled along despite the slight worry biting at him. Dib was a lot stronger than he looked.

Outside the lab took him by surprise, and he found himself lagging behind, head twitching from side to side as he took in the rooms he was moving though. Dib was muttering something that the Vortian couldn't quite catch and then he was being dragged up a flight of stairs, the hand on his arm never wavering. Eventually he was yanked into a small room, obviously the hoo-man's bedroom. A small bed was shoved in one corner, a desk covered with what he realized must be the hoo-man's computer set up (he barely held back the snort of amusement at the sight of it). Posters covered most of the wall space and the room was dim, most of the light coming from the round window above the bed. Dib had let him go as soon as the bedroom door had closed behind them, darting across to the desk and powering up the waiting computer and Lard Nar took a moment to wander around the room, poking at the odd object. One corner of the room had a large notice board stuck to the wall, rough sketches and blurry photographs of what the Vortian realized were aliens covered most of it, most of them were of Irkens and what looked suspiciously like a SIR Unit. He leaned closer to squint at one particular shot, trying to work out just why it seemed familiar and jumped when a hand fell on his shoulder.

"Uh, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you." The hoo-man grinned at him sheepishly when he spun around in surprise.

"You didn't _scare_ me hoo-man!" The Vortian stiffened.

"Well, surprise then." Dib was obviously amused at his annoyance. "Anyway, the computers ready I can show you what I have!" His enthusiasm was sort of addictive and Lard Nar found himself smiling slightly, following the hoo-man back to the computer desk (though he felt a bit embarrassed calling something so basic a _computer_), and squeezing into the one chair with the other. Dib was obviously taking his fight seriously, he'd an insane amount of files on the Invader. The shots he had of the inside of the Irken's base were particularly good and Lard Nar was tempted to ask for copies of them. The same sense of familiarity was bugging him, but the Vortian couldn't quite place his finger on what was causing it.

Despite the hoo-man's obvious enthusiasm, Lard Nar found himself slightly distracted. Dib's hip pressed tight against his own and even through the fabric of their clothes he could feel the heat radiating from the hoo-man. He sneaked a glance at the boy, taking a proper look at him and feeling heat pool in the pit of his stomach. He looked back at the screen where Dib was explaining the layout of what he knew of Invader Zim's base before finding himself glancing at the hoo-man again. Since the boy didn't seem to notice his distraction Lard Nar decided to amuse himself, pressing his side up harder against the hoo-mans, letting his good hand rest innocently on Dib's leg. Fixing his eyes on the screen in front of him, he twitched his fingers slightly, biting back a grin when the others monologue hitched slightly. Under the pretext of shifting his weight he pressed his hip harder against the others, hand trailing up a little bit and Dib groaned softly. The sound made the Vortian shudder slightly, and suddenly the arousal that had been glowing softly in the back of his mind all day blazed up and he had to fight back a needy moan of his own.

A soft hand pressed against the side of his face and he turned into the touch, catching sight of the hoo-man's slightly shocked face. Lust blazed in the boys dark eyes and Lard Nar smiled softly, horns twitching slightly. Almost instantly fingers wrapped around one of the tender appendages and the Vortian shuddered as pleasure curled though him, leaning into the touch. A small voice in the back of his mind was suggesting just why it was a bad idea to do this with his alien captor but the tension and teasing of the past few days had finally got the better of him. The little Vortian growled softly and then lent in the last few inches to press his lips roughly against the hoo-mans (or at least what he _hoped_ where the hoo-man's lips). Dib pressed back, a little sound breaking from his lips and Lard Nar let his serpentine tongue work past lips and blunt teeth, one hand sliding up to grasp the boys shoulder. The kiss was awkward, neither of them knowing exactly how to go about this and the frustration just made the pleasure all that better.

With a whimper the Vortian pulled back, sliding gracelessly from the shared chair and blinking down at the hoo-man. Deciding not to think about the logistics of how (and even if) this would work he grabbed Dib's hand, pulling him to his feet and then pressing close for another kiss. It took a bit of maneuvering to get the hoo-man to move towards the bed in the corner but the Vortian took pride in dong so without breaking the kiss. Dib was clinging to him by this point, hands up under the fabric of his shirt, the scratch of blunt nails on sensitive skin making Lard Nar shudder. Breaking away from the kiss with a gasp he pushed the hoo-man to sprawl across the bed, eying his handwork with a proud eye. A self-satisfied grin twisted his lips and then the Vortian sprung forward, moving to straddle the boys hips. The lips under his own were softer then he was used to, the inside of the hoo-man's mouth hotter and wetter and it made the arousal in his belly churn happily. Dib's hands found their way inside his shirt again and Lard Nar sat up, smiling down at the other before reaching up to pull the shirt off. Below him the hoo-man made a strangled sound, hands instantly tracing across the sensitive skin of his hips, then up to tickle over his ribs. The Vortian sighed happily, then grabbed the base of the boys shirt, tugging on it briefly until Dib sat up to help him.

He settled back on the hoo-man's hips for a moment to examine the bared flesh, the boys chest was as pale as the rest of him, a small indent in the center of his stomach and with two darker circles of peaked flesh up above his ribs and he flicked at one curiously, watching with glee when Dib hissed and arched his back in response. Grinning he slid back down, serpentine tongue darting out to flicker over the circle of flesh again, arousal spiking at the needy sound the hoo-man made in response. The Vortian reached up to scratch claw tipped fingers over the other one, humming happily at the others response, before moaning himself as clever fingers gripped at the semi-flesh of his horns. The pleasure washed over him and he had to move up to claim another kiss, hips pressing down against Dib's, whimpering as his erection pressed up against matching hardness.

Curiosity overrode the pleasure for a moment and he climbed to hands and knees, panting as he took in the humans state. Dib was flushed a hot red, his eyes half-lidded from arousal, lips swollen and kiss wet. Careful not to startle the boy, Lard Nar reached down to tug on the hoo-man's pants, grumbling when they didn't budge. Hands joined his, pulling apart the buttons he'd missed and then the hoo-man's pants were sliding down, catching on his boots and the Vortian abandoned them there to glare at the smaller cloth pants the boy was wearing underneath them. Dib laughed softly and the hoo-man pushed him away slightly, sitting up to pull boots and then pants off and after a moments shy hesitation the second pair too. Lard Nar hummed happily, settling back on his haunches to take in the full picture.

From between the hoo-man's legs a fairly impressive length of flesh stood out proudly, the skin flushed a deep red, a soft round weight hanging below it and it took the Vortian a moment to realize the species reproductive organs must be on show constantly. It seemed a fairly silly biological trait but who was he to judge. Dib was fidgeting, a self-conscious look on his face and Lard Nar let out a soft appreciative sound, moving in to claim yet another kiss, hands traveling down the boys stomach to ghost over the hard flesh. Under his hands the hoo-man shuddered, pressing closer still, his own hands moving to the waistband of Lard Nar's pants, pushing them down slim gray hips. The Vortian's own harness sprang out, the wet length tingling in the cool air.

He pressed forward again, pushing Dib back down onto the bed and sliding his own length along the boys. His erection fit perfectly into the curve of the hoo-man's hip so he pressed close and rocked against the other, catching the boys lips between pointed teeth carefully. Dib was whimpering, pressing up into the rocking of his hips mindlessly, breath coming in desperate pants, hands clutching at Lard Nar's hips. The small Vortian smiled, grabbing the boy into another deep kiss as fingers flicked over the peaked flesh on the hoo-man's chest. A hand trailed up the length of his body in return, moving up to curl around one of his horns and Lard Nar wailed into the kiss, hips rocking in harder, relishing the rough crush of his hardness between their bodies and the slick trail Dib's was leaving against his stomach. The hoo-man was shuddering harder against him, hips rocking up faster and desperate little sounds breaking from his throat. The Vortian wasn't much better, his body burned with his arousal and he could feel the peak nearing. Underneath him the human gave a soft sobbing sound, his body going stiff and hips pressing up hard against him before he broke into hard shudders. Dimly Lard Nar was aware of hot wetness spreading against his stomach and then the hoo-man's hand clenched hard around his horn and he was coming undone. Wailing hard into the boy's mouth as his body shook with his orgasm, cock spurting out the clear gel.

Still shaking softly he collapsed down on top of the hoo-man, head falling on the boys shoulder as he panted. Under him the human did the same, his hands moving to wrap around the Vortian's waist. They lay like that for a while, both catching their breath before Dib shifted slightly, twisting out from underneath Lard Nar's weight. The Vortain cracked open one eye to look at him blearily, grumbling softly. The hoo-man smiled at him goofily and then grabbed his discarded shirt and preceded to wipe it across the mingled fluids coating both their stomachs.

"Sorry, I just wanted to clean up a little." Dib's voice was rough but happy and Lard Nar smiled contentedly at the sound of it, stretching out across the bed and eying the boy looking at him slightly sheepishly.

"And now we're clean, so get back up here and let me sleep already." He grumbled, reaching down to grab the hoo-man's arm, pulling him up towards him again. Dib resisted for a moment, grabbing at something at the foot of the bed and then flowed up next to the Vortian. A blanket settled over them both and Lard Nar hummed happily, pulling the boy into place and then curling himself around the hoo-man and settling into sleep.

Outside, clinging to the side of the house Zim stared through the Dib-stinks window, mouth open in shock and eyes wide.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chaper Five:**

A shrill buzzing drew him from sleep and the Vortian grumbled softly when the warm chest under his head wiggled free. Grumpily he sat up, blankets pooling around his hips and watched the hoo-man hop about the room blearily.  
>"What are you doing?" He asked as Dib dug through the pile of clothes from the night before. The hoo-man turned to give him a weak smile, performing a little shuffling dance as he pulled his pants on. The Vortian settled back in the bed, taking in he boys slight form in the morning light.<br>"Sorry, I didn't meant to wake you. I've got to go to skool." Dib dug into another pile of clothes, extracting a shirt and pulling it on as he continued to talk. "I'll stop by the shops before coming home and try and get the rest of your costume. We can check out Zim's base later?" The hoo-man smiled at him slightly, glancing briefly at the device strapped to his wrist before moving to kneel on the bed. A hand cupped the back of Lard Nar's head and he was pulled into a sweet, slightly shy, kiss. It was wonderful and he couldn't resist letting out a soft growl, reaching for the clothes Dib had just got on. The hoo-man pulled away reluctantly, batting his hands away and shooting the Vortian a sulky look.  
>"No fair, I really do need to go or I'll be late for skool... again." Dib pouted slightly and Lard Nar settled back reluctantly, hands itching to touch again.<br>"How long will you be?"  
>"Most of the day... sorry." The hoo-man shrugged slightly at his sour look and then reached out to rub fingers across the Vortian's cheek. "You can stay up here, it's got to be more comfortable then the lab, but you need to stay in my room. Dad probably won't be home, but its better to be safe then sorry." Dib glanced down at his wrist again, a slightly alarmed look on his face, before scrambling off the bed and heading for the door, grabbing up a bag on the way. He paused in the doorway, glancing back at Lard Nar and rocked back and forth for a second before darting back across the room and pulling the Vortian into a rough, quick kiss.<br>"I really need to go!" The words were hissed out against Lard Nar's lips and then Dib was shuddering and pulling away, running out of the room, stream of cursing following him. The Vortian blinked slightly in shock and then fell back onto his back, laughter bubbling out of him.

The room seemed that much more alien without the hoo-man's presence and after a moments thought, he rolled over, pulled the covers back up and went back to sleep.

* * *

><p>Still riding high on a wave of contentment, it took Dib a while to notice the strange shooting glances Zim was giving him. Usually the Irken would outright stare but today he was glancing across the classroom, an odd look on his face, frown slightly and then just as quickly return to looking at his desk. The Irken was muttering softly to himself too, far too low for Dib to make out but he seemed quite passionate about it. With nothing else to really focus on, the human settled down to partake in one of his favorite past-times. Zim-watching.<p>

Very quickly he noticed the alien was acting really weird even for him, shifting about almost constantly in his seat. As if noticing he was being observed Zim glanced slyly over at him again and then froze when he noticed Dib looking back. The Irken's eyes widened, mouth pulling into an odd almost grimace and then to the human's complete surprise, he blushed. Or at least that's what Dib figured he was doing, the skin of the alien's face darkening. The look of surprise morphed into something else and Zim shot him a filthy look before turning sharply to stare in front of him.

Dib frowned slightly, what the hell was up with the Invader now? Agitated he glanced at the classrooms clock and sighed in annoyance, there was still a good half-hour to go before lunch. Out of the corner of his eye Dib caught the Irken shooting him another off look and with a soft groan he buried his head in his arms. It was obviously going to be one of those days...

The shrill screeching of the bell drew him out of his sulk and Dib slid out of his desk with relish, noting absentmindedly that Zim had already made a beeline for the hallway. Years of routine had him following the alien without really thinking about it and he hoovered by the cafeteria doors. watching Zim grab his food and then settle down at an empty table and start his routine of poking cautiously at whatever goop the skool was serving today. After only a moments slight hesitation and a quick glance around the cafeteria to work out where Gaz was sitting in case he needed help (not that Dib really expected his sister to help him, but it never hurt to be prepared) he made his way to Zim's table and sat down opposite him. The Irken was still poking at his plate of food, plastic cafeteria fork gripped at the very base as if he expected the food to rear up and bite him... which thinking about it probably wasn't that silly an idea. Zim glanced up in annoyance when he noticed his company, his expression drifting to one of slight shock when he realized who it was.

Silence stretched between them awkwardly and Dib frowned. This wasn't right, Zim and he had perfected the art of the lunch time brawl ages ago and at this point the alien should have insulted Dib's intelligence and made vague hints to his current 'brilliant plan' by now. Instead he was staring at Dib with that damn odd look again, it was utterly infuriating.  
>"Damn it Zim, what the hell is up with you today?" Zim narrowed his eyes at his outburst, setting fork down and pushing the tray of food away with one finger. The Invader stared at him darkly and then grinned, all serrated teeth and Dib had a moment to curse silently before, with a annoyingly skilled move, Zim flipped the cafeteria tray across the table and into the human's lap.<p>

The food made his skin itch and burn where it touched even through the fabric of his pants and Dib jumped up with a strangled cry, batting ineffectively at it with the sleeve of his coat. The commotion drew the lunch time attention of his skool mates and Dib flushed at the sudden deafening laughter directed at him. Still blushing he wiped at his clothes again, looking up to glare at the Irken, scowl only deepening when he was greeted with the sight of Zim's empty chair. He managed to catch a glimpse of the alien slipping out the cafeteria doors, and pointedly ignoring the laughter despite his burning ears he hurried after.

Zim was half way down the corridor by the time Dib got there and angry beyond words he sped up into a run, reaching out to grab the Irkens shoulder roughly and pull him around. Zim stared at him incredulously before his face twisted and he shoved Dib back roughly.  
>"How <em>dare<em> you touch Zim, you perverted stink-beast!" For all their years fighting, Dib had never heard the Invader shout with such venom and he stumbled back in response, eyes going wide behind his glasses. A grin twisted Zim's lips and he glared haughtily back at the human before turning and marching away. Still shocked, Dib shifted uneasily, insanely glad that no one had been around to hear Zim's outburst. The cafeteria food still coating him was itching unbearably now so he trudged morosely to the bathroom and set about cleaning himself up as well as he could. What on earth had got into Zim _this_ time?

* * *

><p>Despite his brilliant victory over the Dib-stink, Zim's squeedlyspooch still fluttered anxiously and he pressed himself briefly against the cool metal of the nearest locker, mind still spinning. All day the images from last night had been eating at him, slowly driving the Irken insane with a mixture of curiosity and... something he couldn't quite place his finger on. He'd come to skool this morning planning on ignoring the Dib, only to find he couldn't quite keep his eyes off the worm-baby, questions begging at the tip of his tongue to be asked.<p>

Zim growled softly, fist slamming into the locker he was leaning against and then outright snarled at the student staring at him across the hall. The girl squeaked and hurried off in the other direction and Zim grinned to himself, victorious once again, before his mood darkened. Mostly, he was curious to what exactly a damn Vortian was doing on earth... in the Dib's bed no less! Obviously it was all part of some elaborate plan to move against him... but Zim couldn't quite work out what sort of plan could possibly need the Dib to be doing... such _things _with a Vortian. Not knowing was driving him insane.

With a final slam of his fist into the unlucky locker Zim turned and marched from the skool building. He'd only draw more of the humans attention to himself if he stayed, and Zim didn't want to loose the upper hand by letting the Dib-stink know he knew what they were doing. Besides, the Irken suddenly felt the need to talk to a friendly face, and there was only one confident he had that he could trust with this knowledge... he might even be able to get a first hand perspective on the issue.

* * *

><p>Sunlight against his eyelids brought Lard Nar out of his sleep and the Vortian grumbled, kicking and wiggling his way deeper under the covers before giving up with a slight sigh. He wasn't really tired any more and forcing himself back to sleep wasn't working, but without the hoo-man around to entertain himself with Lard Nar was bored in the small bedroom. At least in the lab he'd been able to wander around a work on contacting the Resisty. With nothing to do, he found his mind focusing on the events of the past few days. After seeing the state of his escape pod Lard Nar was surprised he managed to survive the crash, especially with only so few injuries. His arm throbbed at the thought and the little Vortian shifted unhappily.<p>

And then there was the hoo-man. Sure by the rest of the universes standards Vortian's we're pretty lax when it came to bed partners, but even then taking an alien into his bed wasn't something Lard Nar dabbled in. A male alien none the less... a male alien, who judging by Dib's reactions the past couple of nights, was either very inexperienced... or still quite young. Not that Lard Nar was really worried about that, he just wasn't sure why after years of not being all that bothered about sex he was jumping into bed with his alien savior and captor. Perhaps the stress of nearly dying and being stranded on a backwater planet was getting to him?

For a while he lay sprawled out under the heavy covers and then his relentless energy got the better of him and Lard Nar scrambled from the bed and started to pace around the small room. Vortian's naturally weren't good at just doing nothing, the species filled with a drive to keep moving, keep busy. It was part of what made them such good inventors... and probably a good reason why the Irken's had decided to betray their alliance in favor of simply subjugating the race.

Still pacing nervously Lard Nar grabbed at the shirt the hoo-man had given him the day before, tugging it on with only a little trouble and then froze indecisively in the middle of the room. Dib had said not to leave the room and he wasn't exactly overenthusiastic to run into any strange hoo-man's that might be around but he wished he was down in the lab right now so he could at least have something to work on. Still agitated he nabbed his goggles off the bedpost where they'd landed the night before, slipping them on and smiling when the world took on its usual green hue.

His gaze fell on the hoo-man's computer and after only a moments hesitation he moved to sit down in front of it. It took him a couple of seconds to work out how the primitive thing turned on (an on button, how quaint) and then he sat back in his chair, frowning slightly at the time the thing took to boot up. Absentmindedly he wondered if Dib would be mad if he upgraded the boy's system... it really was terribly slow. Although once it started up and Lard Nar started to play, he noticed more then a few bits of Irken technology the boy had obviously grafted onto his own system. It was kind of cute really. Using the small hand-held connector to navigate the screen proved a bit confusing at first, the Vortian's had been using touch-sensitive screens for longer the Lard Nar had been alive but there was something quaintly fun about it once he got the hang of it.

Experimentally he clicked on the few icons on the screen, browsing absently through folder and sub-folders full of files. Dib's organization skills could use some work, there didn't seem to be any patten to the placement... or at least none that Lard Nar's mind could decipher. One slightly more prominent icon on the computer screen caught his attention and when clicked a window filled the screen. It only took a moment before he realized this 'internet' was a simple form of the networks his own race used and grinning he settled back further in his chair and set about exploring his find, the researcher inside him surfacing.

The internet proved so engrossing that Lard Nar lost all track of time and it wasn't until the sound of footsteps outside the room reached him that he realized. The Vortian's head snapped up, eyes fixing on the bedroom door as his breath caught in his chest. He strained his hearing trying to make out what was going on outside the room, someone seemed to be muttering to themselves softly but he couldn't make out the voice. The bedroom door creaked open slowly and Lard Nar tensed up, muscles bunching ready to fight or flight if needed. Then the Dib hoo-man slid through the still partially open door, leaning through the gap to yell something down the hallway and then shut the door with a grin.

"Hey, did you find something to do while I was gone?" Dib slipped his bag off, dropping it haphazardly to the floor and walking over to where Lard Nar was sat. The hoo-man lent against the back of his chair while the little Vortian grumbled softly, trying to get his heart-rate back to normal after his fright. "Oh, discovered the internet I see. You should be careful, that stuffs addictive." Dib sounded amused and Lard Nar opened his mouth to snap back a reply when clever fingers stroked over the curve of his right horn and he moaned instead, instinctively arching up into the touch. Soft lips pressed against the rough flesh of it briefly and Lard Nar twisted away from the touch, shifting around in the chair to claim his own kiss.

The kiss was soft and unhurried and Lard Nar blinked dully when the hoo-man finally pulled away. Dib grinned at him, tongue tip peeking out between white teeth, fingers drifted softly down the curve of his horn and then then the hoo-man pushed away from the chair, stretching out in one long, languid move.  
>"Miss me?" Dib almost purred, eyes hot behind the glasses he wore. Lard Nar huffed and titled his head to the side, fixing the boy with a long, evaluating stare. The hoo-man grinned in amusement, then spun around slowly in response and Lard Nar had to fight to hold back his own smile.<br>"Hm. What would you do if I said no hoo-man?" Amusement colored his voice and he lost the fight not to grin when Dib blushed and shivered at his words.  
>"Damn." He licked his lips briefly, running a hand through his hair. "I'm tempted to take you up on that challenge... but we've work to do." As he spoke, Dib moved across the room, grabbing up the bag he'd tossed when he came in. "Zim was acting really weird all day... which usually means he's up to something he doesn't want me to know about. I figured we could go scope out his base tonight, see if we can get any info on what he's planning."<p>

The hoo-man settled on his bed, rummaging round in his bag as he spoke. Curiosity getting the better of him Lard Nar shifted out of the chair, making his way to perch next to Dib, a small plastic bag was dropped unceremoniously on his lap and the Vortian frowned slightly, poking it with one claw tipped finger. A whisper of a touch against his horn made him jump and look up, Dib was grinning at him again, his solid bulk resting up against Lard Nar's side.  
>"Here," The bag was snatched out of his lap, and the hoo-man opened it, pulling out the contents. Something slithery and akin to the hair on the hoo-man's own head was handed to him and Lard Nar eyed it doubtfully, ignoring Dib's sniggers. "It's a wig, so we can hide your horns."<br>"How?"  
>"Here, stand up and I'll show you!" Dib sprung up beside him, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet and Lard Nar had to laugh at the hoo-man's enthusiasm. He stood up grudgingly, taking the moment to stretch out muscles cramped from sitting in the computer chair for so long. The wig was snatched from his hands and Dib moved in front of him.<p>

"How flat can you make your horns?" The boy reached up as he asked, pushing down gently on one horn. The Vortian hissed, moving away from the touch and then setting his horns back flat against the curve of his head in response.  
>"This isn't easy to do though, hoo-man. It takes a lot of effort." He grumbled softly, horns already twitching with the strain of being held in place. Dib frowned at his slightly, head titled to the side and then he grinned, springing across the room to dig through the mess covering his desk. Eventually he made a soft, triumphant sound and trotted back to Lard Nar's side. Hands grabbed his shoulders and pulled him forward until Dib was crowded up against him.<br>"Here, hold still. We can tape your horns down, it shouldn't be so much work to keep them flat then." As he spoke the hoo-man pulled a strip off from the roll of tape he was holding and pressed it down over the curve of the Vortian's head and horn. While it was still uncomfortable to have his horns pressed flat, without the stress of keeping them in place it was a lot easier to deal with. It took Dib a little while to get the wig settled on in a passably natural way and the hoo-man stepped back with a grin to eye the whole picture once he was done.  
>"Well?"<br>"You look... well no, you don't look anything like a human." Dib grinned lopsidedly, shaking his head slightly. "But that's not a problem, the human race is stupid enough that no one'll ever notice."

Lard Nar huffed slightly in response, bending down to snatch up the pants the hoo-man had given him the night before and struggled into them. Dib had moved over to his computer while the Vortian dressed, and seem engrossed in pulling up different files. Silently, Lard Nar made his way over to the hunched over form, slipping hands around the boys waist and blinking at the screen curiously. The hoo-man jumped slightly and Lard Nar grinned in response.  
>"So, what's the plan?"<p>

* * *

><p>Lard Nar shifted his weight from one leg to the other and shuffled unhappily, soft grumbling sounds breaking from him. Beside him Dib shivered slightly and tried unsuccessfully to stretch out cramped limbs. They'd been crouching behind the bushes across from the Irken Zim's base for the past hour and a half since the sun had set, and Lard Nar's temper was slowly being ground down by the cold and cramped quarters. The hoo-man clothes he was forced to wear were stifling and the tape holding his horns down was becoming increasingly uncomfortable.<br>"Dib hoo-man." He hissed, "While I find your company quite pleasant, this is getting ridiculous. We've been here for ages, and its safe to say that _nothing_of interest has happened in that time." From the corner of his eye, he could see Dib shooting him a put out look.  
>"Hey, it's not my fault Zim isn't shouting his plan from the rooftops!"<br>"I'm not saying it is! Just that sitting here cold and cramped isn't getting us anywhere. It's a waste of time!" His tempter finally snapped and Lard Nar surged to his feet, turning round slightly to continue his argument when he noticed the... well dog was probably the right word? He'd come across the creatures on the hoo-mans 'internet', while researching the puppy Dib had mentioned when he'd set the damn collar on him. He didn't remember them being so... _green_ from his research. Beside him Dib had climbed to his feet, obviously ready to continue the quickly forgotten argument and Lard Nar nudged him silently, nodding his head in the dog's direction.  
>"Oh hell." Dib slumped slightly.<br>"What-?" Lard Nar eyed the small creature wearily, shuffling back a bit.  
>"It's Gir." The hoo-man's voice was sour and the Vortian risked a glance at him, noting the frustrated look on the others face. "He's Zim's robot."<p>

Dread curled tight in his stomach, and Lard Nar stumbled back, grabbing at Dib's wrist and yanking the hoo-man with him. The SIR unit watched them silently and Lard Nar hissed an angry challenge at it, lips drawn back over sharp pointed teeth and then instinct won and he turned to run, pulling the surprised hoo-man behind him. Vortian's may not have been the best of fighters, but they could run and when he skidded to a halt minutes later, Dib was gasping for breath, face flushed and muscles trembling. Concerned Lard Nar helped the alien over to the side of a neat by building, letting him slump against it even as he kept muscles tensed in case of pursuit. By his feet Dib had slid to a sluggish heap, chest heaving as he gasped for breath. Eventually he seemed to catch his breath and Lard Nar was treated to a dark look.  
>"W-what the hell, was that about?" Dib's speech was slightly broken and Lard Nar frowned down at him, silently filing away this hoo-man weakness in the back of his mind. With a huff he settled down on his haunches next to the boy, back pressed against the rough of the wall.<br>"What do you mean 'what'? You said yourself, that was the Irken's SIR unit. I told you before, Vortian's aren't fighters." His wig had slipped during the run and Lard Nar tugged at it irritatedly, already annoyed at the damn thing.  
>"Fight? Man Lard Nar, did you pay <em>any<em> attention when we went over Zim's info last night?" Dib shot him an exasperated look, reaching out to pull the Vortian's hands away and replaced Lard Nar's wig himself, small smile twitching his lips. The Vortian flushed slightly.  
>"I was sort of... distracted." He growled softly at Dib's sudden grin, batting the hoo-man's lingering hands away. "I take it I missed something important?"<br>"You could say that." Dib's voice was amused and Lard Nar shot him a annoyed look in response. "I'm not sure what SIR units are usually like, but Gir's sort of... well, stupid. I don't think he works properly."  
>"Oh." Lard Nar frowned slightly at this news, stretching out his legs in front of him, and cursing the damn hoo-man pants he was forced to wear when they tangled round his ankle again. "It sounds like it's malfunctioning then, I'm surprised he hasn't had the Massive replace it, or fixed it himself." It wasn't like an Invader to let his equipment work anything less then perfectly.<p>

Dib hummed noncommittally next to him and then stood up, stretching out long limbs with a wince. Lard Nar smirked slightly, slipping to his own feet with a fluidity the hoo-man couldn't hope to match and then settled back against the wall. Dib was staring off in the direction of the Irken's base and suddenly the Vortian needed the hoo-man to say something to break the awkward silence.  
>"Sorry I messed up our surveillance." His voice sounded grumpy even to himself and Lard Nar winced slightly, turning his head sharply to gaze into the night when Dib glanced back at him.<br>"Ah, never mind. We weren't really learning anything anyway." He gazed off silently into the distance for a while longer then shivered and turned to Lard Nar with a grin. "You hungry? I kinda feel like pizza right now. Feel up to braving town for some?" The little Vortian shrugged, and jumped forward to catch up with the already walking hoo-man.

As the dim light of the streets grew brighter he shuffled closer to Dib's reassuring bulk, silently waiting for one of the growing number of hoo-man's around them to notice his not so hoo-man appearance. After a while of nobody even glancing twice he relaxed slightly, brain finally filtering through Dib's words.  
>"What's pizza?"<p> 


	7. Chapter 6

**Chaper Six:**

Pizza as it turned out was another of the 'fast-foods' the hoo-man's seemed so fond of. Rather than risk the crowds of the restaurant, they'd grabbed a box of the stuff and retreated to the relative privacy of a near by park. The 'pizza' was hot and greasy and Lard Nar poked it with a claw tip doubtfully. Dib grinned at him, thrusting a slice into his hands and leaning back against the wall behind them to wolf down his own slice. The Vortian sniffed at the offending item warily and after a moment carefully peeled the greasy yellow topping off. Lard Nar grimaced slightly as the smell of it made his stomach roll sharply and flicked it, disgustedly, away into the bushes.

"Shit, sorry. I forgot you didn't seem to like anything dairy based last time." Dib's statement startled him and Lard Nar glanced over at the hoo-man before shrugging.

"It's easily enough removed." Without the cheese the pizza wasn't actually that bad, a bit bland for his tastes and definitely lacking in the meat department but it filled the empty hole that was his stomach. Eventually though, he really would have to talk to his captor about the whole, needing of meat in ones diet. Not to mention the more than one meal a day thing. Although Lard Nar had a feeling it was more absent mindedness on Dib's part rather than any malicious starving of the captive alien... at least he hoped so.

Between the two of them they managed to empty the pizza box quickly and Lard Nar hummed happily, stomach pleasantly full. Despite not being as crowded as the street, the park was still fairly busy and the Vortian hesitated for a moment before scooting closer to Dib's side and resting his head on the hoo-man's shoulder. His bodies natural response to a full meal was kicking in, and Lard Nar could feel the need to sleep it off creeping in on him. Dib in no way made a comfortable resting place though, and across from where they were sitting a pair of hoo-mans were... well 'embracing'.

"Dib... as fascinatingas it is watching your species do... what ever that is, this wig is making my horns itch and these clothes are horribly uncomfortable. Not to mention that hoo-man on the bench has been staring at us for the-" A hand clapped over his mouth.

"You want to go home I take it?" Dib grinned. Lard Nar huffed softly in response, considering briefly nipping at the boy's hand and then reached up to pull it away with a low growl instead.

"Yeah, pretty much."

Dib grinned at him again then stood up, stretching out long limbs. His shirt rode up at the motion and Lard Nar had to fight back the sudden urge to touch. Apparently unaware of the turmoil he was causing, Dib smiled down at him, offering a hand up. Grudgingly, the little Vortian accepted it, stretching out stiff muscles. The hoo-man grabbed his hand and then dragged him forward.

"Come on 'Nar, it's pretty late anyway and while I doubt anyone's noticed I'm missing its probably best not to push my luck."

"... '_Nar?_" The Vortian glared venomously, yanking them both to a stop so he could glare at the hoo-man better. Dib shoot him a confused look.

"Well, yeah. Lard Nar's a bit of a mouthful to say every time."

"But '_Nar? _Really?"

"What's the problem?"

"It's..." The Vortian waved his hands dramatically, mouth opening and shutting soundlessly as he tried to find the words. "It's _undignified!_ Lard Nar's a noble name! You can't just _shorten_ it! It's just... just insulting!" He snarled softly at the unashamedly amused look on Dib's face.

"Yeah... but it's still a lot easier to say." A hand curled around his good arm and tugged him into motion again. "Just think of it as a pet name or something."

"I'm not a pet! I don't want a pet name damn it!"

They were near to the far entrance of the park now, the lights nearest to them blown out and Dib twisted, pulling Lard Nar off to the side of the path until the Vortian's back was pressed up against rough tree bark. He grinned, all sharp teeth in the near gloom and worked a finger under the collar of the alien's shirt to tug lightly on the large collar around his neck.

"So sure of that last bit 'Nar?" The emphasis on that bastardization of his name made Lard Nar growl softly. "You're all collared like a pet..." Dib teased, leaning forward to let his lips just brush against the smaller aliens forehead, hands sliding to grip hips possessively. The Vortian growled halfheartedly in response and then with a small shudder moved into the kiss.

"Well would you look at that..." The voice was high pitched and nasally and the sound of it made Dib tense. Wearily he broke the kiss, shifting just enough to glance behind them peering into the gloom at the trio surrounding them.

"Hey fags, what the fuck do you think you're doing in _our_ park!" The biggest of them spat out, stepping forward threateningly. Dib shifted to fully face them in response, feeling Lard Nar doing the same behind him. The urge to step between the bullies and his alien was overwhelming, but he didn't want to direct any more attention on the Vortian then he had.

"Ugh, whose fool idea was it to explore an alien planet without any form of weaponry?" Lard Nar muttered softly from behind Dib and he couldn't quite bite back the bark of laughter at the Vortian's put-upon tone.

"Hey you little fucker, I'm talking to you!" The groups leader snarled, obviously not enjoying being ignored and then he stepped forward, grabbing fistfuls of Dibs coat and jerking him in close. Dib glared at him defiantly and then in a move that surprised even himself, spat in the brutes face. The fist to his jaw rocked him back hard enough to see stars flash before the second punch to his gut drove the air from his lungs. As the third punch crushed against his ribs he caught a flash of the second assailant heading for Lard Nar. Hot anger spiked in his chest and he kicked out at the small mountain holding him. Dib took a moment to bless steel toe-caps as the man cried out before kicking him again, catching the guys kneecap.

The returning blow sent him stumbling back into the tree behind him. Dazed he could only gasp desperately for much needed breath, before hands grabbed roughly at his hair and then slammed his head into the tree. Again and again until his vision was a narrow tunnel. The blows rattled through his skull enough that it took Dib a moment or two to realize when they stopped. Wearily he cracked open an eye and then opened them fully in surprise.

Lard Nar stood a short distance away from him, clothing and wig a bit rumpled but other wise seemingly unharmed. Which was more then could be said for the group of thugs slumped, groaning on the ground around them. Dib gasped silently then moaned softly as another wave of pain washed over him. Damn, it'd been a while since he'd taken a beating this hard. The Vortian turned around sharply at the sound, twisted metal pipe in his hands coming up threateningly. Dimly, Dib realized he'd obviously torn it off the bench by the path. Instantly the pipe twitched down again and Lard Nar was moving towards him, cool gray skinned hands skimming over his head and chest, assessing the damage. The little Vortian grunted softly.

"You'll live hoo-man, though your heads going to be killing you for a couple of days I'd think." The cool, calm way the Vortian spoke went a long way to calming down the panicked voice gibbering in the back of Dib's head and he smiled slightly at the alien before pushing off from the tree and stumbling forward. Lard Nar caught him, steadying him and Dib had to close his eyes against the sudden wave of pain and dizziness. After it passed he found himself leaning heavily against the shorter alien. Lard Nar didn't seem to be having any trouble holding up Dib's full weight and not for the first time he found himself wondering about the Vortian's strength.

That thought had him glancing sharply (and regretting it soon after) at the men who'd attacked them. The thugs were well and truly battered and a quick glance showed they were unconscious rather than dead, but the unnatural curve of certain limbs indicated more then a few broken bones. Dib whistled softly under his breath and glanced up (slowly this time) at the rumpled Vortian.

"I thought you said Vortian's couldn't fight?" There was a slightly wet gurgle to his voice that had Lard Nar frowning, the alien paused to examine Dib more carefully before shrugging.

"No, I said we're not very _good_ at it, not that we _can't_." He eventually responded, still poking gently at Dibs ribs with a sharp claw-tip. Dib blinked in response, glancing incredulously between his companion and the unconscious men.

"_This_ is what you call 'not very good'?" His voice rose in pitch and Lard Nar looked at him oddly for a moment, then grinned, all sharp white teeth.

"Yes well, turns out you hoo-mans are even worse at it than we are." Dib frowned at that, mouth opening to defend his species and then snapped it shut when a hand patted at his shoulder sympathetically. "It's ok, you may be weak but you can really take your hits! I'd have gone down after the second."

That said, the little Vortian started them stumbling back to the path and Dib smiled slightly, an odd warm tightness building in his chest that had nothing to do with his injuries. By the time they'd got back to the parks gates the dizziness had faded and Dib could walk on his own. They paused briefly to straighten up Lard Nar's disguise and then trudged wearily back home. Dib wasn't really surprised when they arrived to find the house empty and dark. Impulsively he grabbed the Vortian's hand, pulling him up the dark stairs and into the blue computer-lit interior of his room. His head was pounding, but he kicked the door shut behind them and then tugged Lard Nar close for a kiss.

Slightly cool lips opened in surprise under his own and Dib sighed happily, pressing in closer to the alien. He let go of Lard Nar's hand to slip an arm around his waist instead, free hand going up to tangle in the wig, tugging it off and tossing it, dismissively, behind him. The Vortian made a soft appreciative sound into the kiss, and then stiffened as Dibs fingertips brushed the curve of a horn. With a short snarl, Lard Nar shoved away from the kiss, stumbling back.

"Wait, I want to make sure you're not really hurt first." The little Vortian was flushed, and Dib briefly considered ignoring him, but now that he wasn't so distracted his head and ribs were screaming at him. Grimacing slightly he let Lard Nar help him over to the bed, settling with head between knees when a wave of nausea washed over him. A hand ran softy through his hair briefly and then Lard Nar moved away from him and his computers booting up sound rang out. The soft sound of typing made its way to him.

He lost track of time a little bit after that and the next thing Dib knew, Lard Nar was back in-front of him, strong hand tilting his head up and a bright light was shone into his eyes. He protested weakly and it stopped. Hands started carefully examining the back of his head again and Dib whimpered softly.

"Dib, I need you to talk to me." Lard Nar's voice was soft and coaxing and Dib found he really wanted to do as asked.

"About what?" His voice was slightly rough even to his ears.

"Anything, just talk. Tell me about, uh, tell me about the Irken again." It seemed an odd request given the circumstances but Dib shrugged slightly and did so, going over the intelligence he'd collected on Zim over the years. While he talked the Vortian's clever hands drifted over his injures, examining his head and then his chest and ribs. Talking helped to clear his head, and while it still hurt Dib felt slightly better.

"The 'internet' thing said to check for concussions, I don't think you have one, though I'm pretty sure you've at least bruised your ribs. How do you feel?" Apparently satisfied with his examination, Lard Nar settled down on the bed next to him and Dib shifted so he could look at the alien without having to lift his head up too far.

"Honestly I've felt worse. Could you grab the little white bottle on my bedside table there?" He tried to wave in the general direction and winced when it sent a bite of pain through him. Lard Nar found the bottle without too much hassle and it took Dib a little while to get the damn thing open. The little pills tumbled into his hand and Dib knocked back two of the painkillers dry. The Vortian grabbed a third to look at and Dib smiled slightly, before flopping back on his bead to stare dazedly up at his ceiling. The painkillers were good stuff, and it wasn't long before the pounding of his head eased down into a dull throb, his thoughts clearing soon after.

Exhaustion was creeping into his bones and Dib turned his head sluggishly to look at the Vortian next to him, Lard Nar was regarding him with a slightly worried look on his face, still playing with the small pill absentmindedly.

"Feeling better?" Lard Nar's voice sounded as tired as Dib felt and he huffed slightly in response, working up the energy to wiggle further back across the bed. Eyes already fluttering closed.

"Some, I'm just tired now. Gonna sleep." Dib muttered softly and after a moment the mattress dipped next to him, a hand slipped underneath him and lifted slightly as Lard Nar wiggled the quilt out from under him. Then the Vortian was settling next to him, head resting against Dibs shoulder, quilt pulled up over them both. He smiled faintly, turning his head just enough to brush his lips against the top of Lard Nar's head before sleep grabbed him.

* * *

><p>Deep in the center of his maze like base Zim sunk further down into his chair, narrowed eyes still locked on the small screen hovering in front of him. The footage from the camera he'd placed the night before still showed the sleeping pair. The image filled him with a level of rage Zim wasn't used to, but he still couldn't quite bring himself to look away.<p> 


End file.
